Hints, Allegations and Things Left Unsaid: On Judgment, Arithmetic, and Finding Grace Amid Family Madness

by Wade Fransson

I’ve always woven song lyrics into my communications, for reasons explained in The People of the Sign. Hints, Allegations and Things Left Unsaid—the name of Collective Soul’s 1993 debut album, is one example. The phrase is pregnant with meaning, and pregnancy leads to birth, and birth to birthdays. Yes, this is the sequel to my birthday post – published this past Tuesday. More on that in a minute.

What strikes me about that album title is how the outside world constructs stories about us from fragments: a few facts, a smattering of rumors, the tone of a Facebook post or an obituary. Lives are reduced to hints—what little leaks out; allegations—what’s whispered and repeated; and, of course, the towering heap of things left unsaid. Sometimes I wonder if even my closest family members ever glimpsed the real arithmetic of my existence.

Take, for example, my latest round of birthday math. Last post, I charted how my birthday was always shadowed by my older sister—first as a child, longing to catch up for just one day, and more recently, haunted by her absence. But what I didn’t emphasize then was that, somewhere along the line, God—or fate, or whatever you’d like to call the cosmic hand that arranges these things—decided to intervene with a lesson in humility and arithmetic that continues to unfold.

On the eve of my 49th year, while I was still wrestling to find a place for myself in the muddle of family histories, fractured relationships, lost loved ones and second guesses, my wife went into labor. The result? My firstborn daughter was delivered onto the stage—her entrance grand enough to eclipse my own day of yearly “significance.” Once again, my birthday receded to the wings so that someone dearer could take the spotlight. It’s tempting to think God was trying, with a little divine mischief, to coax me toward humility—a nudge to let go of being the center of any calendar for even one day. Three years later, my son Caleb arrived. With each child, the arithmetic changed again: the sums and differences of love, loss, priority, and hope rewriting themselves in real time.

I made all the promises parents make—to do better, to break old cycles. If I didn’t always succeed, at least the ledger now contains less regret and more laughter, more genuine attempts to hand off something better to the next generation. In those moments, when I see the ease and freedom with which my children inhabit the world, the shadow math of my own childhood feels, if not erased, at least softened—grace leaking through the cracks.

Aside from my daughter’s birthday, another relevant matter was left unsaid in my last blog was this: when chaos descended with the loss of my sisters, first my older and then my younger, it was my step-sister Julie who became the quiet caretaker, holding the brittle structure together and, in all the practical, necessary, unsung ways, refusing to let grief completely unravel the family’s fabric. Her story, too, is one most people will never hear—another thing left unsaid, another hint only truly visible to the heart that pays attention.

Yet in the middle of all this—celebrations and silences, births and losses—we are surrounded by judgment. The verdicts of others, based on what little they see; our verdicts, rendered reflexively over others; even the imaginary juries inside our own heads. As Jesus warned, “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” Another translation: only God sees the true score. And—lest we forget—the measure we use for others will become the measure used for us.

If all this reads as a bit messy, well, welcome to the true arithmetic of family. It rarely adds up neatly for anyone. Which is why I’m all the more grateful for the chance, this coming Tuesday, to pull back the curtain with someone who specializes in untangling these hidden equations.

Laine Lawson Craft will be joining me for Episode 154 of Created in the Image of God (June 10, 8pm Central). She’s an award-winning author, renowned podcast host (Warfare Parenting Podcast), and a lifeline for parents in their most confusing, desperate, or humbling battles. Laine’s own Parent’s Battle Plan—awarded 2023 Nonfiction Book of the Year—pairs faith with practical, actionable hope. She knows, perhaps better than most, how families fight over what’s seen and unseen, said and unsaid; how parents and children can wound one another with judgments based on incomplete pictures; and how opening space for grace can change the outcome in miraculous ways.

Her message isn’t one of whitewashed perfection but honest engagement—a call to drop our assumptions, extend mercy, and reclaim the ground that misunderstanding and pride have tried to steal.

So as we gather Tuesday night, we’ll be talking frankly about the interior, unfinished stories of parenting and family—where too much is left unspoken, and too many verdicts are reached on partial evidence. If you, too, are doing the arithmetic each day—wondering if you’re getting any of it right; if, like me, you find your significance regularly overshadowed; or if you’re just longing for a little grace in the ledger—I hope you’ll join us.

Maybe together, we’ll find that letting go of judgment—ours and others’—opens new possibilities for love, humility, and peace. Maybe that’s what God’s been trying to teach me, after all these years, birthdays, and cycles of addition and subtraction.

Thank you for traveling this messy, miraculous road with me. There are still so many things left unsaid—but maybe it’s time, finally, to start saying them out loud.

With gratitude,
Wade Fransson

Mark your calendar: Episode 154 of Created in the Image of God, Tuesday, June 10, at 8:00 PM Central, featuring parenting expert and guide Laine Lawson Craft. Learn more at LaineLawsonCraft.com, or connect with Laine on Twitter and Facebook. Let’s replace all those hints, allegations, and things left unsaid with compassion and wisdom, one conversation at a time.

About The Author

Wade Fransson is a former Christian Minister who served in numerous countries, including many in Eastern and Western Europe, South Africa, and the United States. His religious tradition included a deep appreciation for Judaism, in which they observed the Jewish Sabbaths and Holy Days from a Christian vantage point, giving him unique insights into progressive revelation. In 1981, he visited the Baha'i World Center, during which he participated in the City of David archaeological expedition in partnership with Ambassador College and Hebrew University. Twenty-five years later, he embraced the Baha'i Faith, publicly declaring his commitment along with his wife, Angela, in 2007. Inspired by his first pilgrimage in 2010, Wade founded Something Or Other Publishing and SOOPmedia, two innovative platforms for aspiring and established authors through a patented model that integrates the most effective elements of traditional and self-publishing. Wade and his family are proactive participants of the Baha'i Community, launching projects such as The Royal Falcon Foundation and the weekly podcast "Created in the Image of God."

Enjoy the legacy offer on my book trilogy— available exclusively at Something Or Other Publishing: https://soopllc.com/product/legacy-offer-wade-franssons-book-trilogy/